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Words are so hard to express the kind of feeling I get when I see you…

I’ve asked what I wanted to ask… but come to think of it, it was a silly time and stupid question to ask when I already knew the answer…maybe I just needed that confirmation… something that will not give me false hopes again, and I’m thankful you have been truthful to me…  Guess its usually very easy to say ‘time to move on’ from your hurt, from your mistakes… but when it happens to you… are you really just able to walk away from it all graciously… it’s possible BUT extremely hard… cos we are afterall humans with emotions…

Maybe this is what it means by retribution… when previously there was this girl that cared alot for me, loved me… and I just let her go… cos I didn’t treasure her, took her for granted and in the end when she left, it made me realise how important she was to me… now she’s happily attached and rightly so, cos she definitely deserved someone better than me… maybe it was the age difference at that time.. but come to think of it, she was much matured in her thinking… didn’t know what I was thinking to have let her go when she was there for me… but guess its true that when you get something too easily, you never tend to cherish it… I’m sorry… and if only saying sorry, can turn back time, life would never have any regrets…

So guess now, what I’m going though was what she went though for me… only thing is I’ll never have the chance to make it up to her in terms of unrequited love she had for me… guess I’ve learnt alot from her… undying love, unselfish love… love is worth sacrificing for, even if it never happens to you… you gave me happy memories and they are all I have of you… sorry, I’ll never be able to make it up to you…

Guess life is interesting that it has got its ups and downs… some ppl just use unrequited love as an excuse to go round flirting with others… they only end up hurting themselves more… some ppl just carry on treating them the same way, the only way they know is concern for the other party… and maybe the last type are the ones that turn love into hatred.. which I happened to do it once… that was a very selfish thing to do… learn to let go, stop reading into things that dun really mean anything and maybe life will be alot more simple… why complicate life as it already is not all that smooth sailing…

Coming back, you mean alot to me now… know where I stand, what I mean to you… but just becos you feel that way now, doesn’t mean I have to give you up right… maybe one day, something beautiful might happen… maybe nothing will happen… at least I’ve been honest with myself over this relationship… whatever happens, friends we will be… love will never turn to hatred again… flirting around, not me… so I’ll just do what I think I do best… to give… to continue giving my concern for you as a friend… to be there for you whenever you need me to be… life still goes on.. however tough, disappointing it maybe…

One day, "Love will no longer be a curse, but a beautiful blessing…" keeping faith in this little hope… maybe life will be happier and simplier

Dun know why, but at times I’m not able to express myself… looking at you, but had no courage… wanted to say, but nothing is coming out… why is it so hard to look at you, have feelings for you and nothing is able to come out… maybe it is the fear of rejection, guess its the fear of losing you… very well that I dun know how to take care of you, to make you happy, to be there for you… it might be very well so that I’ll just continue doing all that I have been doing and hope that one day, I’ll be able to touch you with my actions…

Reading though this again, I’ve found that my English is totally wrong.. thats what happens when your thoughts are in tatters….

Felt so happpy that you called to ask if I was feeling alright, then you told me something that I dun know if I should be happy about… cos it is something that is hurting you and will continue to hurt you til you can really let it go… so many times it is so easy to just say that I’m alright… but deep down we all know that things are not alright… dun like to say this, but time do heal, give yourself sometime to think things through, get over it and be done with it… otherwise, think things though, work on it and set things right… nobody can tell you what you are doing is right or wrong… have faith in yourself that you will get things done right… many times we do question our own actions on whether what we are doing is making sense… and most of the time, we don’t…

No point pondering over what is spilled and trying to recover it cos things will never be the same again… sometimes, we need to have distractions in our lifes to help us move on and distractions can come in many ways… learn to be responsible for your actions and be true to yourself…

I’m so tired… so tired of always giving… so tired of life itself… thoughts that have been cleared are coming back again…. cursed myself a few yrs back that I’ll only live up to 30… and I’m starting to feel as if its coming true… finally…. 3 years of alcohol abuse… and I’m finally starting to feel the toil… haiz… haven’t been feeling right lately… guess I should be happy when I finally have a wish granted… haha… wish I was crazy… then so many things I would not be bothered with… Why have this simple world become so complicated to live in… its like I can’t cope with it or I refuse to cope with it…

Is it just me, but why, WHY can’t I seem to find the happiness that I’m looking for… is it really true that pure innocent love no longer exist… or is it because my value of love no longer exists in this time??? Why do ppl have others to care for them, and I’m feeling so alone… Why do ppl fall in love and become happy, and I dun… why do ppl that I thought I understood, betray whatever trust I had in them…Why do I feel so useless all of a sudden… why, why and why…. so many why’s…

The answers might be there, but I’ve chosen to ignore.. I gave up my right for a better life… just like I’ve chosen to give you up as a friend… though we dun talk as often… but everytime we do talk.. it feels like a knife cutting through my heart… I thought the wounds had healed.. but I was wrong… So many times, I’ve been trying to be sensitive to the feelings of others, so much so that I’ve lost my own feelings… It is time to start thinking about me and me only… whatever happens will not be a concern to me anymore.. this I promise myself… a promise that will not be broken again for whatever reasons…

Have been feeling really stressed up for the past few days… for reasons that I do not know and refuse to comprehend… have you ever wondered why certain things happen to you and why only you??… I’ve been thinking about it… and til now I dun have the answer… wish everything was as simple as 1,2,3… but sometimes things are much much more then what we can comprehend….

Wanna know something, I hate my life, the life I went through, the life I’m going through and the life I’ll eventually go through…. Many ppl who knows me will most probably think that I lead a carefree life with no worries, always acting stupid.. but the actual fact, I do feel like a fool… man, and this started a very long time ago, and it all began when I was in primary 4… the time I switched school…. from then on… I hated my life, and I’ve been asking why am I still in this world… til this day, I still do not have any answer….

Then I started working and I began to ask myself, why do I have to put myself though all the abuse that I’ve been getting from my working life?? And the only answer I got was that I was born to go through all these…. On a more positive note, It made me realise that things do not come easily, not by you just simply wishing for it (some ppl in this world has that privilage)… and the bad… it got me down so much so that I lost confidence in myself… It no longer mattered to me what ppl were thinking or talking about me… It just didn’t matter anymore… nothing matters… nothing to me matters anymore… if I were to stay lonely for the rest of my life, so be it… already going though it, so what if my friends betray my trust in them, it doesn’t matter… I dun feel anything at all cos it’s happening so frequently that I’ve lost count… so what if I have a dreadful quarrel with my family… I’ll still survive… so what if I can’t cope with the ppl I work with… I’ll just find another job… I seriously dun know what matters anymore…

You know what, no matter how tough I may look to you or how tough I seem to be, I’m just like an oyster without its shell… I get hurt easily and it takes a really long time for me to get over it… you can call me useless… or whatever other names you can think of… but it doesn’t matter… cos the hurt has always been caused by the ppl I care for and the same ppl that dun give a damn about my life… I am THAT STUPID!!! Should be used to it, but it still really bothers me alot when my  ’so called’ friends aren’t doing well….

I’m fortunate to have 2 groups of friends with totally different mentality… I used to be straight forward to a certain extent that you might say innocent, which happens to the the first group of friends I’m talking about…. these are the ppl around me who have a really good grasp of life thinking that it is always wonderful, having their boyfriends/girlfriends sharing their joys and woes, never had sex and anything offensive, they’ve never been in contact with…. these are of course nice, and I’d have wished I’d stayed that way, but my life was not to be…

Then the other group of ppl I know, they fool around, they sleep around, they cheat on their partners, nothing nice ever comes out of their mouths… but they are an interesting batch because most of the times, these are the ppl who stand by you when you are in trouble… they are in a sense ‘innocent’ that they do not care about the consequences when they offer their help…not that I approve of the things they are doing… but they are still friends.

Many times it is so easy to judge others by their actions, by the things they have done, but how many times do we look at ourselves and think, hey I have also done/did that before…. Sometimes are we being too critical of others that we forget that the ppl around us are like us, only human… They are not the only ppl making mistakes, cos I also make lots of mistakes in my life…. how then, can I say that whatever the person have done is wrong….

Life is as such, we generalize things too much, so much so that specific things can be accounted for as right and wrong… a penny for your thoughts, someone stealing from a food counter…. We, even I would say that it is wrong, but then if the person is stealing to feed his/her family cos he wasn’t able to get a job, is his intentions wrong… if it is, then would there be anyone so kind in this world to offer free food to his/her family… then the next question you and I would ask is… he is healthy mah, why cannot get a job? Hasn’t this world become so much so that we have been ‘finding excuses’ just so to justify that the action mentioned above is wrong…

So many times, we have focused on ‘finding excuses’ when we could have done so much more by finding the solution… Isn’t it time for us to reflect on ourselves?

Dun know why, but I really wish that you were right here by myside right now… I really miss you and I know I shouldn’t be… gave up loving after the last incident where I waited 3 years in vain, cos I was afraid to let the other party know that I love her and by the time I manage to draw my courage, it was no point… cos the chance was never given from the time I let it become known…

It feels so much like dejevu… cos I’m back at starting point one and I’m willing to wait another 3 years for someone I really should not be waiting for… dun know where my confidence has gone, but I’m just no good at loving at this point in my life… cos I dun know how to love…having said all that I’m really falling so deeply in love with you….

Have been thinking, all those things that I have done, dun know if you remember them, but anyway, I’ve been thinking, am I right to be doing all these things that I’m doing now… We both know our situation… you have a boyfriend, whom you are so in love with, and here I am trying to impress you… and the best part of it all, another friend is interested in you… I dun know if showing you concern is right… feeling confused at the moment…  the thing is, I’ve never regretted letting you know that I love you… even though I’m wishing that someday we’ll be together for me to take care of you, to have and love you for the rest of my life, deep down, I know it is not easy… cos you will be in a dilemma as well…  even if you decide to break up with your current boyfriend…

I’m sorry… never meant for it to happen this way, with each passing day, I’m loving you more and more… so much so that I’m getting jealous when I shouldn’t be…

Sometimes, I dun know if I’m trying to be nice or am I just an idiot who would really sacrifice for the sake of the one I love…

If time could turn back, and I’m faced again with the same problem/question, I guess, I’ll still be the same, continue waiting for you for 3 yrs… maybe more, like you’re said, confessions are hard to come by, but so what? if one party’s not willing and you know it, whats the point of confessing… (whats the point of confessing when you know that the other party is attached) bliss comes only when 2 hearts beat as one… something that you and I will never have in common… there was this time in my life when I loved you more then I loved myself, I was willing to give up whatever I had in order to make you happy…but things just didn’t work out… cos a girl like you will never ever fall for a guy like me…

I know this at this point in time when I’m writing this, but I’m still willing to say that I’ll wait for you all over again… cos I truly loved you… I geninuely believed that we would have a chance of being together… but how wrong I was… no need for regrets, cos you are still a wonderful girl afterall… regardless of what you tell me… cos I know those are just excuses… cos you have never loved me before… and you were just being nice in not hurting my feelings…

Looking around me, all I see is ppl whom i think that I know, but I actually do not know…. in times of trouble, I’ll be called up to console, when its time to party, I’ll never have a chance to be around…. these are the ppl I call friends up til this day…

For a friend, I can lend money and end up starving myself for the month… for a friend, I can give up my sleeping time and risk not reporting for work… and in return, all I get is a cold shoulder, when I’m no longer needed… Felt the need to feel angry and forget each and everyone of these ppl I call my friends… but in the end, I’ll still be me cos what’s the point… I dun need to ignore them, cos they have already ignored me… I dun have to delete their contacts, cos they’ll still have mine…

Then it started to dawn on me, it is not who I want to forget but if I’ll be forgotten… I can do all I want to forget ppl, but if they refuse to forget me, what can I do….

Sometimes I wonder what have I done wrong…